Dennis’s Blog

So, why did it suddenly go quiet on both DS-x2.com and my blog? Personal issues, most likely.

If you really must know, better buckle up for safety. Here’s the almost-full story (as I won’t include any gory details).

It all started nearly two years ago: April 23, 2005. Or no, not exactly… it started a few months before that. In that time, I was still working as a temporary job in the local supermarket. Back then, there was a really cute girl working at that same supermarket as I was, unfortunately she had a boyfriend already.

Did the boyfriend stop me from adoring her from a distance? No, it really didn’t. Although I always told myself that it would never work out, I couldn’t stop thinking about this girl. She was pretty, spontaneous, kind, had a great sense of humor and, most of all, was the girl of my dreams.

At that point I had to decide: act or play dead. The choice was ‘act’. If I could not get this girl for myself, I’d rather be with her even though her boyfriend was away, than to worship one from a distance. A good choice, as will be clarified further on. We went out: me, a friend of mine (also employee at that same store), her and her boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend seemed to get along pretty well, as did I and the female friend. During the next few months, I never showed her (or her boyfriend) how I really felt.

April 1, 2005
It was April 1st of the year 2005, a mere day from the date I graduated on university (yes, it’s Master of Science Dennis to you) and to celebrate, I threw a party. Of course I also invited her and her boyfriend.
We all had fun, and beer was flowing rich. At some point, I managed to get away from the crowds together with her, and accidentally told her how I really felt. Her reaction? She never expected it. Then, suddenly out of nowhere, her boyfriend shows up. Oof! Luckily he didn’t overhear our little conversation of a mere 20 seconds, but still.

The boyfriend wandered off again and she insists to go somewhere more quiet: “we need to talk”. The next few minutes consist of going one floor down in the dancing, telling her why I never told her and trying to get rid of her boyfriend, who somehow managed to drop in every minute or so. After the conversation, we return upstairs and party along for half an hour… Then she leaves with her boyfriend, who (for some unknown reason) started a fight with her. I’m left alone (Anastacia once made a song about that: “Left Outside Alone”)…

One week passes, with me still wondering what to do now that I no longer have to go to uni or write a thesis. Suddenly I get a call, it’s her. She wants to go shopping with me, something about a present for her younger sister. As if a guy who’s 8 or 9 years older knows what to buy for the little sister… But, naive as I may be, still come along.
It’s a WONDERFUL day. Even though it’s cold, we had fun shopping. I went to stores I would never have visited otherwise (imagine stores selling a blue-yellow-red-orange-green dress with a parrot on the front, or socks made out of a goats hair).
At some point we had to say goodbye as our ways split, and I don’t think I have ever spent that amount of time saying goodbye. Now what exactly was happening?

That same night we went for a drink again, together with the same friend as mentioned above and her boyfriend. Strategically, I took a position across the friend, leaving two places: next to me, and next to him. Then the boyfriend and her come in. Luckily, she sits next to me! I felt like a teenage in love, while in fact, she was (18 at that time, against my 23 years). The boyfriend seemed to be too much involved bragging against the friend, leaving me and his girlfriend more or less abandoned. Now’s her chance! Her chance?! Yes, as I’m a man who doesn’t like doing anything with anyone’s girlfriend, I wouldn’t take action. She sure did by grabbing my hand and gently stroking it. From that point, my heart went ‘boom-boom’, my head was like ‘wheeeeee’ and my eyes went like ‘wha?!’.

The next day at work: nothing. Almost no expression from her whatsoever. Was it just for a night? Was she teasing me? Did I get used? One day further (Sunday), she appears on MSN. After talking about nearly nothing for a while, she let me know that she dumped her boyfriend. WHAHOOOOO! I was like a Mario in real life. Of course I can’t help myself from cheering her up and asking her for a date later on, which she accepts.

From April 23 (2005) to just one week ago, life was great for me. In those two years, people I spoke regarded us as almost a perfect couple. And to be honest, so did I. Sure, we did have our problems, but only had a ‘fight’ for about four times, and every single time we managed to get out of those fights within a few mere hours.

I gave her everything she could’ve desired, except for one thing: attention. DS-x2 was booming and that didn’t go unnoticed. An hour every day can be a lot, especially if you don’t notice that behind you is someone being bored or unhappy. And that’s something I blame myself about: I might not have been there enough for her.
At some point, mid 2006, we start making plans to live together. I buy a house a.s.a.p. and start rebuilding the house in nearly every spare hour I had. As she has a few personal problems, she wasn’t able to help in the house much, leaving her alone… once more. Every day, I still visited her. As I noticed she was getting more and more unhappy over time, I continue to work on the house: the faster this house is done, the faster this thing is over and we can get back to our happy live together.

In December 2006 the house is finally finished. We bought almost every piece of furnature together, meaning that the current setting isn’t either her, nor my personal taste. But then it comes: she chickens out. She feels that she needs more time, which I’m more than willing to give her. Stay at home, while I live in the house. Come visit me, and move in whenever you feel like it. Things are good again.

January 2007
It appears that she starts to get unhappy again. “What’s up?” I ask. After asking more and more, I figure out that she’s really feeling as if I’m constraining her. She’s 20 years old and wants a full student-life. Sure, go ahead! I never had a huge student-life myself, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. Have fun, just come visit me, I’ll have my door open for you whenever you need a place to sleep. Things are good again.

February 8, 2007
During the past few days, she has been looking unhappy again. She’s in my house, together with a pack of clothes, as she was to stay over for the night. During dinner, I ask her a simple question about her wanting a leaf of bread. She’s a bit snappy. I ask her what is wrong… she tells me… she doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t believe what I’m hearing! She… doesn’t… love me? As it turns out, for the past 6 months or so, she’s been having doubts about her love for me. She figured out that I’m more to her than a brother, but less than a true boyfriend. Oh… my… god.

In the past two weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I promised myself that I would give her space: just a month could just be enough for her to realise whether or not she really doesn’t love me. I managed a mere day. I went nuts. I had to call her. Her reaction? Stone cold. “It’s over.”

Over?! No way! One month of time, I can do that. The result? 3 days until I call her again. This time without much success either. This time it became even worse for me: what she told me was simply putting me with my face back on the ground; There was no hope left, I should better prepare to see her with someone else, after all that scenario was possible.

But for some reason I didn’t give up. Even though she really had hit me with her words, her stone-cold reaction, her not being willing to fight for ‘us’ anymore and all the other things, I could not get angry with her; I could simply not forget about her, nor did I want to do so. I knew I had to, but I simply couldn’t.

Present day
So, where do we stand today? Simply put, it’s the reason I’ve taken distance from DS-x2 and many other things I always enjoyed in life. I’m sure I’ll get back to those in the (hopefully near) future, but at the time being I simply can’t.
Whether I’m at home or at work, I keep watching that MSN contact list to see whether she’s online. Every time my phone rings, my hearts stops beating for a second. With everyone walking the gallery, I hope it’s her who somehow managed to gain access to the building. With every spam-email, I double-check just to be sure it’s not a false-positive and an email from her instead…

My current status is one in which I do not really have control over myself. I haven’t got a clue on what I want or what to do. When I do not have contact with her, I’m praying she will contact me; At the same time I feel bad when I am contacting her. For me, it’s impossible to feel good at the moment.
For the past two weeks I’ve been thinking about what my reaction would be if she suddenly stood before me, asking for a second chance. For the first week, I’ve been believing that I’d take her back “no-matter-what”. After she told me I should forget about her and that it’s possible that she’d find someone else, I added a clause to that for myself “…but not if she did anything indecent”. While this sounds more than normal, I also started realising that mistakes are only human too. What if she did something along those lines and regrets her action? Shouldn’t I be forgiving? I guess I shouldn’t, yet I know I most likely will be. To make things even more difficult for myself, I came to realise that she might have been right all along: I should forget about her… she’s driving me insane with her absense.

I’ve never been a really emotional person. Heck, I didn’t even cry when my grandfather or cousin died, nor when any other relationship ended or when I got cheated upon. This girl really managed to get inside me, to really touch me. And even though she always appeared to be the weak one with me comforting her, it turns out that she’s stronger than I am. I just wished she’d been strong enough to comfort me as well in the worse times…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 20th, 2007 at 6:25 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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