Dennis’s Blog

It’s been a little quiet around here (except for the daily spambots filling up the comments-section), so one might wonder what’s cooking in the wonderful life of Dennis. If you’re one of those, head inside… (beware: emo-talk!)It’s been a little quiet around here (except for the daily spambots filling up the comments-section), so one might wonder what’s cooking in the wonderful life of Dennis. If you’re one of those, continu reading…

Basically my life is back on tracks. Over five months ago, my ex-girlfriend decided to show me the hand after taking care of her for nearly two years. ‘Taking care’? Yes, at least that’s what I used to call it: she was a pretty depressed person, who (at a certain point) needed comforting almost every day. I used to think I really wasn’t a person capable of giving that kind of attention, mainly because I’m simply often too much occupied by myself already. The past two years taught me that nothing is less true; I’m more than willing to put myself in second place for those I love… apparently.

Now on to the present. In these five months I haven’t been exactly been sitting still either. Just after the break-up, I was really in need to give myself an ego-boost. I simply needed to prove to myself once and for all that I am a nice guy, not too shabby looking and, more important, that I canbe loved. The attention of a few females sure brought back that feeling to me, thank you for that. But wait, there’s more…

At some point, things went bad for me. I was beginning to turn into something I despised all my life: a ‘player’. The attention I liked, I admit. Yet it became too much for me: too many females appeared to be after me. I had to come clear to them and to myself, no matter what. And so it was done: I tried to tell every one of them the truth. Some called me a fraud, a bad person, respectless and so on, and so on. But there was one girl who actually reacted as if she understood. This one girl ‘forgave’ me and told me that if something good was supposed to happen, that it will… This statement actually triggered something within me, which made me see her beauty (even though I had never seen this particular girl in real life yet). This one… was different.

A few weeks passed and we talked almost daily. In that time, I became more and more aware of how special this person is. Doing things I could only dream about, being a caring and genuine person and much, much more. At that point I started realising that I might actually fall in love with this person once.

Yesterday was kind of special to me: the first ‘date’. Although the evening started kind of bad (me arriving almost an hour early, totally soaked due to the weather, etc), she kept acting nice. During the date itself, we went for a drink, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking though. We talked about the craziest topics, ranging from ex boyfriends (usually a bad topic on a first date) to comparing the Big Bang with a jar of applesauce in a deep-freezer (don’t ask!). However, things were nice and felt good.

On the way back to her house (and my car), I made a terrible mistake: within minutes I already asked her more-or-less about her opinion on me. Stupid, stupid me! I already knew the answer of course, it was waaaaay to early for any sane person to actually have feelings already. Sane person, you say? Yes, as I already noticed that my impression of her had only grown and grown. I know, I really know I should give it time. Yet these feelings are already starting to clutter my mind; this isn’t supposed to be happening. This should not be happening.

Afraid I had already lost her even before anything even started, I had a more-or-less terrible night. Not even the break-up with my ex-girlfriend (which did cause some sleeping-problems) came close to this night. Tossing and turning, waking up approximately 30 times in a timeframe of just under 7 hours. One thing’s for sure: this girl is special to me, even though it’s still early.

Today, I wasn’t supposed to get any sign of life from her (busy schedule), but huzzah! She appeared online on MSN Messenger during working hours while I was in a meeting. Luckily for me, she was still online when I returned. She… actually said “hey” to me. To me! Hurray! She doesn’t hate my guts, there may still be a slim chance!
In a short convo, I explained to her about me really being eager on seeing her again soon (oh God, I did it again!) and apologized for my behaviour. Her reaction? “Don’t worry.” Honestly, anyone else I have ever encountered would not have answered like that. She continued by explaining that she actually does like me, but that it usually takes time for her to know whether or not things could actually work. Time again eh, not exactly one of my core competences in situations like these. Later tonight or tomorrow, she might let me know whether or not she’ll see me again tomorrow (depending on her workload). Even though I do happen to say that “hope is a postponed disappointment” quite a lote, I can only hope for that to happen…

I’ve just put myself back in a really awkward position, but if things work out I just know I’ll be happy beyond limits once more. This time with someone I already kind of trust, something I didn’t expect any girl to accomplish within a few months…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 17th, 2007 at 5:25 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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